I Hope.

Hope.

Such a diluted word nowadays.

I hope to get an iPhone.

I hope to buy a house.

I hope to get the tickets to the football game.

Hope.

Everybody hopes.

But, there is a bigger meaning to hope.

So big, to those who possessed it cannot explain.

And to those who do not have it, dies.

Hope is the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hope is the thing that keeps you alive.

Hope is knowing that better days are to come.

Hope is being sure that you are never deserted.

Hope can never be revealed its importance till the day comes when it is really needed.

Like the hope for a cure to a dying patient,

Or the hope for love to an abandoned child.

The hope for a better future to someone living on the streets,

Or the hope for life to someone who wants to die.

There is hope for every one of us.

Seek it as it is already there.

Find it and own it.

When you have hope, you can give hope.

As you get the courage in the hope you found, you can be the hope to someone else.

It is when you have hope, you know how much you needed it.

This post was inspired by this video and I was reminded of the 2nd video after writing this.

Both are my favourite. It shows a glimpse of hope at work.

O Lord, you alone are my hope. Psalm 71:5

Having hope will give you courage. Job 11:18

Pump it!

Ok, ok, my muscle man does not look like this :p

Shemar Moore from Criminal Minds *drools*

It happened again. Actually, it has been happening almost EVERY single time I am at the petrol station since I injured my wrist. I was unable to remove the car petrol cap when I wanted to pump petrol. I had to do what I do not like- be a damsel in distress and ask for help.

Do not get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong in asking for help except when removing a cap seems like such a small matter and every other girl at the petrol station do not seem to have a problem doing it themselves. It makes you look weird. REALLY weird.

I looked around for my ‘muscle man’ but this time; no pump attendant was in sight. So I went to the counter instead. The man looked irritated and asked if I tried using both hands.

“Do I look like an idiot to you, you idiot?” I shouted.

“I am so sorry, ma’am. I am the idiot. I come help you now!” answered the apologetic idiot.

Well, that DIDN’T happen.

I explained the cap was on too tight and I have an injured wrist (no explanation would have been needed if I still had my wrist protector on). STILL, he would not move his butt! So, I kind of ordered him to come and walked off without waiting for his answer.

Guess what, it was the customer who was paying at the counter that came to my aid!

He opened the cap and went on to pump the petrol for me. I told him I can do that myself but he said it was ok. After it was done, he left saying "Thank you" and in a silly automated reaction, I answered "You're welcome".

Thank you ‘muscle man’, you made my day ^^

HTML is killing me softly.

Picture from fortheloveofcute.blogspot.com

A big, heavy thingy on my head was what I felt like the whole day. It is so hot here in Penang and there I was sitting in front of my laptop doing my work in the living room.

I am practically dumb when it comes to computer and stuff. Though I have some background in computer studies, all I can remember after all these years is how much I hated my computer class teacher! Him, C++, Visual Basic and HTML, my sworn enemies when I was in the sixth form.

Today for some reason (and need), I have started 'playing' with HTML again. Reading a HTML program to me is almost like me trying to read Chinese. And trust me, my Chinese is really bad.

The headache caused by yesterday's hang over from the football match, the heat and the eenie meenie HTML codes was almost unbearable. But thanks to the internet, even dumb ones like me can get some work done.

Another thing that is causing my headache is I couldn't decide on the colour for my blog title and description. No matter which colour I tried, it is still hard to read because of the background. Plus, I couldn't fix an error in the template HTML code which causes a part of the background image to disappear when my blog posts are shorter than the side bar. Arghh!!!

I still have lots to do tomorrow and I am really hoping that the 'walrus' would not be back...

An asshole wannabe

Picture taken from jchangart

One night, as I was reading my bible, the Holy Spirit guided me to 1 Corinthians, Chapter 12.

It talks about the unity and diversity in one body. Some are the eyes; some are the ears, the legs or the arms. Though all play different roles, they are all ONE. It tells us to embrace each other’s differences and to work together. Read the passage here.

I was like, not again? I read this passage so many times. I KNOW what the passage is about! But, the Holy Spirit kept pushing. Reluctantly, I turned to that passage and started reading. While reading about all the body parts, suddenly the word ‘asshole’ popped into my head. I prayed to God to clear my mind of all this nonsense but, it kept coming back!

Soon, it became clear that it was God who put the word in my head. I was shocked! I mean God could have used other nicer words like anus, butt or rear end. The moment I knew it was from God, I asked what is it about. God poured out a revelation on something so deep in my heart that I did not even realise it was there. It felt like a splash of cold water to my face.

I was then a leader in my campus fellowship, a leader for my bible study group and was leading the creative team. I was popular in church and in university. I have always thought myself as a humble person. I never bragged or try to get credit. Everyone said I was kind, helpful and friendly. Even, when I used to read this passage, I have never imagined myself as the head or the arms. I thought maybe I’m the toe. So, I must be humble!

I clearly remembered God asked me this,

“Can you be someone who does the small things people considers insignificant? Throw the rubbish, straighten the chairs, and wipe the dust. Things that some find dirty and unimportant. Does it in secret and let no one see you. Be hidden and out of the limelight. When you do this, no one will come and pat you on your back for a job well done or praise you. ”

“Can you be an asshole for Me?”

An asshole? (Is that even a body part?!) Isn’t it humble enough to want to be ONLY the toe?!

I couldn’t lie to my Father and shamefully answered “No, I can’t.”

It struck me, HARD. Though it was never my intention to get praises for the things I did but I realised that I would actually feel bad and unappreciated if I have done all those things and NO ONE cares. I actually cared about the praises and the attention I was getting.

Pride was taking root in my heart and I never took notice. God wanted me to fix it before it’s too late.

Though God has BIG plans for us, He wants us to have the humility that a servant would have. Just as how Jesus, the Son of God knelt down and washed His disciples’ feet. He wants us to learn to do things, NOT for men, NOT for ourselves but for God. Learn to unconditionally love someone as how God has love us and not do things just because it was the right or the appropriate thing to do. To do it even though we get NOTHING out of it and may even suffer because of it.

We should not boast and be prideful in what we do. None should be considered higher or more important than the other.

I realised too that so often, we overlooked the ‘assholes’ in church or at any other place. They may not be the ones in the limelight BUT they are part of the team and play an important role too. Just imagine a body without an asshole. The body’s going to get really sick and will not function properly. Though it is hidden and we barely notice it’s there, it is as important to us as any part of the body.

In my case, pride was creeping in slowly. To a person who already thinks she is humble enough would never have thought she would have any arrogance in her nor would have work on trying to be humble. From my actions, I thought I was being humble but God looks deeper. Apparently my standard of humble is WAY off from God's standard of humble.

So, am I an ‘asshole’ now? Truthfully speaking, I’m still striving. Being humble is not a destination. It is something we have to often remind ourselves of and continue to work on. I’m glad God said ‘asshole’. It’s stuck now in my head for good :)

Today was not a fairy tale

I must have got off the wrong side of bed today. Instead of getting off bed from the right or the left side which I usually do, I scooted down to the end of the bed and got off at the middle. Maybe that’s the cause of the mistakes I made throughout today.

I started my weekend as usual, helping out at the community centre and before the class ended, a student came up and said his mom wants to talk to me. I thought “Hey, parents caring about their kid’s education, that’s a good thing.”

Mistake no.1: I said yes and the mom came and complained a lot and was making a big fuss out of something that a poor teacher like me can never solve. And because of this, I was a whole hour late for my appointment at MidValley. The lesson: Just because you can handle the student, do not assume you can handle the parent.

After all that was over, off I went to MidValley to meet my friend. He was attending the education fair there.

Mistake no.2: Even though I wasn’t planning to further my studies (at the moment), I decided to walk around anyway while looking for my friend. I saw an old friend there. Our eyes met so out of courtesy, I (had to) walk over and say hi. Our conversation went something like this:-

Me: Hi
Guy: Hi
Me: (still fake smiling and not knowing what to say)
Guy: You look different.
Me: Umm...you too.
Guy: You still using the same no.?
Me: Yeah, call me sometime (WHAT?!).
Guy: Yeah of course.
Me: (still don’t know what to say)
Guy: You are planning to further your studies?
Me: No.
Guy: (gave me a look) So, what are you doing here?
Me: Oh, I’m with a friend.
Guy: Where?
Me: I don’t know.

Ok, you pretty much guessed how it went. At the end, I lied saying I really need to go to the ladies and left. The lesson: Flee when you see someone you don’t wish to see OR write down and memorise a standard speech of what you can say to avoid embarrassing moments like this.

I finally found my friend, well actually he found me. I was walking towards the wrong guy when he jumped up in front of me. He was pretty much done so we left the fair. Outside we saw a wedding exhibition. He asked if I want to check it out.

Mistake no.3: I said ok. I was attracted to the exterior decor and I love photography so why not. It was weird. Fun but weird. People thought we were a couple and asked when we plan to get married and have we taken our wedding photos etc. One guy even came up and asked in mandarin “Is that your future husband?” while pointing at my friend who was walking around checking out those wedding stuff for his brother who is also my friend. Like I said, fun but weird. The lesson: Do not enter a wedding exhibition with your guy friend. Ever.

After that, we parted and I went off to do my shopping. One of my friends gave me money to get some exotic fish for him. I don’t really know what he meant by exotic. All he said was "No nemo and no dory." So I bought a pair of the ugliest fish I could find. It was RM58 each. Exotic enough I hope.

Mistake no.4: After paying for the fishes and saw them in a plastic bag, only then I realised I have some more shopping to do. Why did I get the fishes so early?! My plan to hang around the bookstore was dashed. The lesson: PLAN before you do your shopping especially when you have breathing beings in a plastic bag with you.

With the fishes in my bag, I sprinted to Jusco to get ingredients for a roast chicken as I have promised to teach my friend how to make one.

Mistake no.5: It’s Saturday and it’s a no-plastic day. I had to squeeze everything (except the chicken of course) into my bag which I am very thankful for. The lesson: Carry around a reusable bag at all times.

I left Midvalley and headed straight to my friend's place to give him his fishes (still alive) and the ingredients I bought. When I got there it was almost dinner time and his WHOLE family was there. Why? They were celebrating Father’s day. His parents insisted I stay for dinner which I can’t (truthfully) because my sis made dinner. His mom still insisted and offered soup.

Mistake no.6: I thought what’s the harm in that. I said thanks and sat down. Super awkward. The lesson: Do not go to your guy friend’s house if the family’s there. Say NO to the offer to eat together and flee!

Actually, many of my guy friends do not see any issue in having a girl friend back for dinner with the whole family. I guess it’s just me. It’s weird!!!

Mistake no.7: I replied a SMS to a friend and my words were a bit harsh. I was angry at him for something I do not need to make a big deal of. I apologised right after that but I still feel bad. The lesson: DO NOT reply SMSes when you are angry!

Despite all this, it's still a fun day though I still feel bad about being angry at my friend. Well, at least I got to meet Hiro Nakamura and got my ice cream fix. That was good :)

God, more coffee?

Another post from my previous Friendster blog. Really brought back a lot of memories. Written when I was really down during my last uni days . I was suddenly so worried about my future and felt so bad after breaking someone's heart. Looking back now, I realised that time do heal and we do forget, not the memories but the heartache. It's been a long time since I wrote anything on my blog. I seem to have this reputation of starting my blogs with this line, don't I? Oh well…I told you so. In the moment of a really long absence of any news of myself, I have been really, really busy. Wait…it's more like really, really, REALLY busy! Not busy physically or anything…it's more like really busy emotionally. Worn out I would say. Nothing could be worse than emotional hectic. Busy with work I can handle but busy with feelings…that's a totally different story altogether.

A lot has happened. It would take me forever to write it down. It's been so long, I would have forgotten most of it anyway. I always have these intense thoughts in my head but I never seem to hold on to it long enough to write it down. So many lost memories and revelations. I don't have anything specific in mind but I just felt the urge (after so long!) to write something down. Maybe all these emotional hectic is really bothering me that I need to spit out something -- anything.

It's funny really. I never realize that someone could actually be emotionally busy. I am sure stressed out with all this `heart' work. So many different feelings and emotions in a span of like what…10 seconds? What is it that is really bothering me? Boys? Study? Life after graduation? Getting older? Jobs? Assignments? I really hate it when I don't know what is bothering me! I can't pin point one that is the actual cause of my emotional haywire. Maybe it's ALL of it!!! Some say its PMS (maybe…since I am having my period) but I seriously don't think PMS hit you like weeks before and after your period. I have been feeling like this for a few months now. Maybe the reality of me graduating soon finally sinks in.

Maybe I am not ready to move on to the next phase of my life. Not yet at least. Too many things to do and a hell lot of things I will miss. I guess I'm getting a bit too comfortable with my current studying-still getting allowances from parents-no responsibility-do anything I want phase of life.

Maybe I am afraid of the uncertainties I have about my life out there. It's a dog eat dog world out there you know! I always felt that is what ADULTS tell you so that you will suffer with the `how on earth am I going to survive out there?' syndrome and you will eventually fall for their trap -- and STOP having fun! Since I am practically surrounded by adults like these – I am quite well prepared – amours and all.

But that just don't seem to be the reason. So what is it? I mean I am kind of excited that I will be going for a new ride but then…I don't know. Maybe I haven't enjoyed myself enough on this ride. Like a little child who just wouldn't get down from the merry-go-round – unless someone offers her ice cream! Maybe I fear I will NEVER have the same fun EVER again. Maybe I need to be sure that something better -- like ice cream is waiting for me after I come down from the merry-go-round.

When I tell people how I feel…they will give all sorts of advice and acted like they know me more than I know myself. Maybe they do. Maybe it's me who don't know me. Maybe I need to get myself `figured out'. This is seriously hard work and I think I am better at figuring other people out.

You know, sometimes the best liar and pretender is ourselves. Lying to yourself, you never need to worry about getting caught but you will soon forget which is truth and which is not. Lying to oneself is not like you force yourself to accept something at one go…it's like denying little truths, making yourself think things the way they are actually not, all those `maybe' or `what if' -- or worse, way…too much imagination! I think if you don't stop it, the lie or cover up will become bigger and bigger and bigger -- and without you realizing it, it becomes YOUR TRUTH! It's like eating ice cream out of the tub, you know you should stop but you just don't! What harm will another spoonful of ice cream do? By the time you realize it, you have finished the entire tub! Then you will start to moan about those burned calories from the morning jog that you have just `replaced'.

I wonder how it will be like when you are totally lost in your own truths? What about those who thinks there's no absolute truth? MY truth is THE truth when I feel it is THE truth? What about shutting out your own feelings? What about those who prefers searching for answers on the outside rather than inside? What about throwing away your heart's desires just because others say something different? What about that stupid habit that I have of having to ask almost everyone about what they think when I need to make a decision? Is denying your own feelings lying to yourself? What about denying the TRUTH that doesn't fit our TRUTH?

Thinking about all these things makes me wonder, does too much input causes us to sway from our pathways? Maybe, deep down we know what we want to do and should do but the assurance in ourselves is not strong enough that we need to seek it from somebody else? And when the assurance doesn't come, we tend to doubt? We might even not do it at all. Maybe we just need someone to blame just in case things don't turn out right. It is always easier to share the burden of losing. It just make us feel better that others has the same opinion or would have done the same mistake as we did.

So does that mean…TRUTHS and ASSURANCE should come from within us? Follow your heart – I heard this like a trillion times. But is it really PRACTICAL? What if we make up false assurance and truths? Oh…if only we know how DECEITFUL and confusing our hearts can be. Just in case you don't remember, my HEART is the cause of my emotional hectic at the first place!

So have I ever lie to myself? I would be lying if I said no. I am very much my true self but somewhere in there, there is this big confusion about what I want in life. I always tell myself to do or at least try to do what God has planned for me (which I am SURE is the BEST!). The PROBLEM is I don't know what He wants me to do! Or maybe I know but I am in denial? Another case of lying to myself.

Sometimes I really wish God would just appear in front of me and tell me what He wants me to do. But if that were to happen, I will either faint or get so scared that I will DEFINITELY do what He says. If I were to faint, it would be a waste of God's time to actually show up -- He will have to wait for me to wake up and if I do, I would most probably faint again! If I didn't faint and do what God says, I might be doing it out of fear…I mean who dare to say NO to God when He's standing right in front of you! It would be like I am forced to do it!

But come to think of it, God does tell us what to do. But it is always our choice whether we want to follow or not. Or worse, we don't even hear God! Wait a minute, is it worse to hear God but do not obey Him or not hearing Him at all? Sometimes I think people shut God out so that they can do what they want – minus the guilt. Then, it would be so much easier to blame God when bad things happen.

"God! Why didn't You TELL me earlier?"
"I did. You weren't LISTENING."

God, please forgive me. I am guilty of this at times.

Fuh…never thought my need to spit out some stuff would come to this. I guess writing is good. Kinda make me think. Maybe the solution to this emotional hectic of mine is not going around searching for answers but to be still and listen. I remember complaining to a friend of mine about how I was feeling and all she said was "Pray, Wailoong, pray!!!" I guess that's the best advice I can ever get! I'll do just that! God, prepare your biggest mug of coffee…HERE I COME!!!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.

- PROVERBS 3:5, 6 -

* IF YOU NEED ASSURANCE, GET IT FROM GOD! *