I Hope.

Hope.

Such a diluted word nowadays.

I hope to get an iPhone.

I hope to buy a house.

I hope to get the tickets to the football game.

Hope.

Everybody hopes.

But, there is a bigger meaning to hope.

So big, to those who possessed it cannot explain.

And to those who do not have it, dies.

Hope is the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hope is the thing that keeps you alive.

Hope is knowing that better days are to come.

Hope is being sure that you are never deserted.

Hope can never be revealed its importance till the day comes when it is really needed.

Like the hope for a cure to a dying patient,

Or the hope for love to an abandoned child.

The hope for a better future to someone living on the streets,

Or the hope for life to someone who wants to die.

There is hope for every one of us.

Seek it as it is already there.

Find it and own it.

When you have hope, you can give hope.

As you get the courage in the hope you found, you can be the hope to someone else.

It is when you have hope, you know how much you needed it.

This post was inspired by this video and I was reminded of the 2nd video after writing this.

Both are my favourite. It shows a glimpse of hope at work.

O Lord, you alone are my hope. Psalm 71:5

Having hope will give you courage. Job 11:18

Pump it!

Ok, ok, my muscle man does not look like this :p

Shemar Moore from Criminal Minds *drools*

It happened again. Actually, it has been happening almost EVERY single time I am at the petrol station since I injured my wrist. I was unable to remove the car petrol cap when I wanted to pump petrol. I had to do what I do not like- be a damsel in distress and ask for help.

Do not get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong in asking for help except when removing a cap seems like such a small matter and every other girl at the petrol station do not seem to have a problem doing it themselves. It makes you look weird. REALLY weird.

I looked around for my ‘muscle man’ but this time; no pump attendant was in sight. So I went to the counter instead. The man looked irritated and asked if I tried using both hands.

“Do I look like an idiot to you, you idiot?” I shouted.

“I am so sorry, ma’am. I am the idiot. I come help you now!” answered the apologetic idiot.

Well, that DIDN’T happen.

I explained the cap was on too tight and I have an injured wrist (no explanation would have been needed if I still had my wrist protector on). STILL, he would not move his butt! So, I kind of ordered him to come and walked off without waiting for his answer.

Guess what, it was the customer who was paying at the counter that came to my aid!

He opened the cap and went on to pump the petrol for me. I told him I can do that myself but he said it was ok. After it was done, he left saying "Thank you" and in a silly automated reaction, I answered "You're welcome".

Thank you ‘muscle man’, you made my day ^^

An asshole wannabe

Picture taken from jchangart

One night, as I was reading my bible, the Holy Spirit guided me to 1 Corinthians, Chapter 12.

It talks about the unity and diversity in one body. Some are the eyes; some are the ears, the legs or the arms. Though all play different roles, they are all ONE. It tells us to embrace each other’s differences and to work together. Read the passage here.

I was like, not again? I read this passage so many times. I KNOW what the passage is about! But, the Holy Spirit kept pushing. Reluctantly, I turned to that passage and started reading. While reading about all the body parts, suddenly the word ‘asshole’ popped into my head. I prayed to God to clear my mind of all this nonsense but, it kept coming back!

Soon, it became clear that it was God who put the word in my head. I was shocked! I mean God could have used other nicer words like anus, butt or rear end. The moment I knew it was from God, I asked what is it about. God poured out a revelation on something so deep in my heart that I did not even realise it was there. It felt like a splash of cold water to my face.

I was then a leader in my campus fellowship, a leader for my bible study group and was leading the creative team. I was popular in church and in university. I have always thought myself as a humble person. I never bragged or try to get credit. Everyone said I was kind, helpful and friendly. Even, when I used to read this passage, I have never imagined myself as the head or the arms. I thought maybe I’m the toe. So, I must be humble!

I clearly remembered God asked me this,

“Can you be someone who does the small things people considers insignificant? Throw the rubbish, straighten the chairs, and wipe the dust. Things that some find dirty and unimportant. Does it in secret and let no one see you. Be hidden and out of the limelight. When you do this, no one will come and pat you on your back for a job well done or praise you. ”

“Can you be an asshole for Me?”

An asshole? (Is that even a body part?!) Isn’t it humble enough to want to be ONLY the toe?!

I couldn’t lie to my Father and shamefully answered “No, I can’t.”

It struck me, HARD. Though it was never my intention to get praises for the things I did but I realised that I would actually feel bad and unappreciated if I have done all those things and NO ONE cares. I actually cared about the praises and the attention I was getting.

Pride was taking root in my heart and I never took notice. God wanted me to fix it before it’s too late.

Though God has BIG plans for us, He wants us to have the humility that a servant would have. Just as how Jesus, the Son of God knelt down and washed His disciples’ feet. He wants us to learn to do things, NOT for men, NOT for ourselves but for God. Learn to unconditionally love someone as how God has love us and not do things just because it was the right or the appropriate thing to do. To do it even though we get NOTHING out of it and may even suffer because of it.

We should not boast and be prideful in what we do. None should be considered higher or more important than the other.

I realised too that so often, we overlooked the ‘assholes’ in church or at any other place. They may not be the ones in the limelight BUT they are part of the team and play an important role too. Just imagine a body without an asshole. The body’s going to get really sick and will not function properly. Though it is hidden and we barely notice it’s there, it is as important to us as any part of the body.

In my case, pride was creeping in slowly. To a person who already thinks she is humble enough would never have thought she would have any arrogance in her nor would have work on trying to be humble. From my actions, I thought I was being humble but God looks deeper. Apparently my standard of humble is WAY off from God's standard of humble.

So, am I an ‘asshole’ now? Truthfully speaking, I’m still striving. Being humble is not a destination. It is something we have to often remind ourselves of and continue to work on. I’m glad God said ‘asshole’. It’s stuck now in my head for good :)

God, more coffee?

Another post from my previous Friendster blog. Really brought back a lot of memories. Written when I was really down during my last uni days . I was suddenly so worried about my future and felt so bad after breaking someone's heart. Looking back now, I realised that time do heal and we do forget, not the memories but the heartache. It's been a long time since I wrote anything on my blog. I seem to have this reputation of starting my blogs with this line, don't I? Oh well…I told you so. In the moment of a really long absence of any news of myself, I have been really, really busy. Wait…it's more like really, really, REALLY busy! Not busy physically or anything…it's more like really busy emotionally. Worn out I would say. Nothing could be worse than emotional hectic. Busy with work I can handle but busy with feelings…that's a totally different story altogether.

A lot has happened. It would take me forever to write it down. It's been so long, I would have forgotten most of it anyway. I always have these intense thoughts in my head but I never seem to hold on to it long enough to write it down. So many lost memories and revelations. I don't have anything specific in mind but I just felt the urge (after so long!) to write something down. Maybe all these emotional hectic is really bothering me that I need to spit out something -- anything.

It's funny really. I never realize that someone could actually be emotionally busy. I am sure stressed out with all this `heart' work. So many different feelings and emotions in a span of like what…10 seconds? What is it that is really bothering me? Boys? Study? Life after graduation? Getting older? Jobs? Assignments? I really hate it when I don't know what is bothering me! I can't pin point one that is the actual cause of my emotional haywire. Maybe it's ALL of it!!! Some say its PMS (maybe…since I am having my period) but I seriously don't think PMS hit you like weeks before and after your period. I have been feeling like this for a few months now. Maybe the reality of me graduating soon finally sinks in.

Maybe I am not ready to move on to the next phase of my life. Not yet at least. Too many things to do and a hell lot of things I will miss. I guess I'm getting a bit too comfortable with my current studying-still getting allowances from parents-no responsibility-do anything I want phase of life.

Maybe I am afraid of the uncertainties I have about my life out there. It's a dog eat dog world out there you know! I always felt that is what ADULTS tell you so that you will suffer with the `how on earth am I going to survive out there?' syndrome and you will eventually fall for their trap -- and STOP having fun! Since I am practically surrounded by adults like these – I am quite well prepared – amours and all.

But that just don't seem to be the reason. So what is it? I mean I am kind of excited that I will be going for a new ride but then…I don't know. Maybe I haven't enjoyed myself enough on this ride. Like a little child who just wouldn't get down from the merry-go-round – unless someone offers her ice cream! Maybe I fear I will NEVER have the same fun EVER again. Maybe I need to be sure that something better -- like ice cream is waiting for me after I come down from the merry-go-round.

When I tell people how I feel…they will give all sorts of advice and acted like they know me more than I know myself. Maybe they do. Maybe it's me who don't know me. Maybe I need to get myself `figured out'. This is seriously hard work and I think I am better at figuring other people out.

You know, sometimes the best liar and pretender is ourselves. Lying to yourself, you never need to worry about getting caught but you will soon forget which is truth and which is not. Lying to oneself is not like you force yourself to accept something at one go…it's like denying little truths, making yourself think things the way they are actually not, all those `maybe' or `what if' -- or worse, way…too much imagination! I think if you don't stop it, the lie or cover up will become bigger and bigger and bigger -- and without you realizing it, it becomes YOUR TRUTH! It's like eating ice cream out of the tub, you know you should stop but you just don't! What harm will another spoonful of ice cream do? By the time you realize it, you have finished the entire tub! Then you will start to moan about those burned calories from the morning jog that you have just `replaced'.

I wonder how it will be like when you are totally lost in your own truths? What about those who thinks there's no absolute truth? MY truth is THE truth when I feel it is THE truth? What about shutting out your own feelings? What about those who prefers searching for answers on the outside rather than inside? What about throwing away your heart's desires just because others say something different? What about that stupid habit that I have of having to ask almost everyone about what they think when I need to make a decision? Is denying your own feelings lying to yourself? What about denying the TRUTH that doesn't fit our TRUTH?

Thinking about all these things makes me wonder, does too much input causes us to sway from our pathways? Maybe, deep down we know what we want to do and should do but the assurance in ourselves is not strong enough that we need to seek it from somebody else? And when the assurance doesn't come, we tend to doubt? We might even not do it at all. Maybe we just need someone to blame just in case things don't turn out right. It is always easier to share the burden of losing. It just make us feel better that others has the same opinion or would have done the same mistake as we did.

So does that mean…TRUTHS and ASSURANCE should come from within us? Follow your heart – I heard this like a trillion times. But is it really PRACTICAL? What if we make up false assurance and truths? Oh…if only we know how DECEITFUL and confusing our hearts can be. Just in case you don't remember, my HEART is the cause of my emotional hectic at the first place!

So have I ever lie to myself? I would be lying if I said no. I am very much my true self but somewhere in there, there is this big confusion about what I want in life. I always tell myself to do or at least try to do what God has planned for me (which I am SURE is the BEST!). The PROBLEM is I don't know what He wants me to do! Or maybe I know but I am in denial? Another case of lying to myself.

Sometimes I really wish God would just appear in front of me and tell me what He wants me to do. But if that were to happen, I will either faint or get so scared that I will DEFINITELY do what He says. If I were to faint, it would be a waste of God's time to actually show up -- He will have to wait for me to wake up and if I do, I would most probably faint again! If I didn't faint and do what God says, I might be doing it out of fear…I mean who dare to say NO to God when He's standing right in front of you! It would be like I am forced to do it!

But come to think of it, God does tell us what to do. But it is always our choice whether we want to follow or not. Or worse, we don't even hear God! Wait a minute, is it worse to hear God but do not obey Him or not hearing Him at all? Sometimes I think people shut God out so that they can do what they want – minus the guilt. Then, it would be so much easier to blame God when bad things happen.

"God! Why didn't You TELL me earlier?"
"I did. You weren't LISTENING."

God, please forgive me. I am guilty of this at times.

Fuh…never thought my need to spit out some stuff would come to this. I guess writing is good. Kinda make me think. Maybe the solution to this emotional hectic of mine is not going around searching for answers but to be still and listen. I remember complaining to a friend of mine about how I was feeling and all she said was "Pray, Wailoong, pray!!!" I guess that's the best advice I can ever get! I'll do just that! God, prepare your biggest mug of coffee…HERE I COME!!!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.

- PROVERBS 3:5, 6 -

* IF YOU NEED ASSURANCE, GET IT FROM GOD! *

My Greatest Love Story

I wrote this back in 2005 in my Friendster's blog http://veryme.blog.friendster.com/. Just thought I'll share it here. Edited it a lil' bit.

I was introduced to him ten years ago by my elder sister. I got a shock of my life when my sister told me he loves me, even though I do not know him at that time. I thought he was crazy and so was my sister! My bro-in-law too cause he was so supportive of him!

I never accepted him till like eight years ago. I hated him at first but he was persistent. Not pushy but persistent. Before you accept someone into your life, of course you will go around asking about how he really is. So I went around asking those who knows him. Everyone only has GOOD things to say about him and I was like…yeah right!

Then of course, there are a few who have nothing good to say about him. They were telling me that there are others out there and reminded me not to be influenced by what others were saying (forgetting they are THE others themselves). I was confused and decided to forget about him. The moment I thought of that, there he was again, calling. Irritated at first, I decided to give him a chance and get to know him myself. First hand information is ALWAYS the BEST.

He wrote me pages and pages of love letters. At first I was not interested in reading it but I thought what the heck. No harm reading it right? Slowly, I got to know him better through those love letters he wrote.

One night, I gave him my heart. It was scary since it was my first time. I remember telling myself, what is the worse thing that could happen? If it doesn’t work out, I’ll just break it off. But surprise, surprise I am still with him today and we are getting closer day by day.

I remember him telling me how much he loves me. At first, I didn’t really believe him. But of course, time proves everything. His love never fails me. Things he says are never really romantic but it touches my heart every time. He promise never to leave me. He said “…a mother can forget her child in her womb but I will never forget you…” Hardly romantic I know but that was the best promise I ever got! The best part is, he is still keeping his promise. He was there whenever I needed him. Every time I am sad, he will ask me to put my head on his shoulder and cry and complain to him all I want! And he REALLY LISTENS! I love him for that!

He knows exactly how to make me happy. The way he does it, surprises me every time. I'd always ask him to do something so that I won’t feel so bad. I asked but I wasn’t really expecting anything but to my surprise he did! Usually, he does it in disguise but I know it's him.

He stood out among every body else. He was different. Sometimes he does and says things I myself do not understand. Whenever I ask him, he will tell me to wait till the time comes and then I will know. He teaches me not to lean on my own understanding but his. I love him and I know he loves me a million times more. He only wants the BEST for me. So, I just trust him. It may sound crazy but believe me, it is worth trusting him cause he knows me better than my mom!

Our relationship is not always a bed of roses. We have our ups and downs. But the thing I love so much about him is that he seldom gets angry and is ever forgiving. I mean seriously, no other guy on earth could stand me like he does! The main reason behind our little fights is always ME. I love being free and doing things my way. I really hate being controlled by anyone. He can be a little over protective. You can’t do this and you can’t do that. Drives me crazy at times. Sometimes I get so angry with him or so ashamed of myself, I ended up not talking to him. Funny thing is he always tries to get me talking to him again. Nothing I do can make him love me more and nothing I do can make him love me less.

People asked many questions about him. Even my parents, friends and relatives. They always wonder why I am so into him. Sometimes I couldn’t really answer them. They need to know him themselves to understand our love. But, most are not bothered.

Someone who loves me enough to die for me, is always there for me and forever wants the best for me. I couldn’t ask for more. Nothing and no one else can compare. By the way, his name is Jesus Christ. He wrote those love letters for you too and it's all in the bible. I pray you will meet him too someday and get your very own greatest love story.

Let's get it started!

Teehee! Got my blog started. While setting up this blog, I realised that I am actually quite technology NOT savvy! Got myself a headache just trying to change the background and to add in some stuff. Well, it's a learning process. Hopefully this one is for keeps :)